How to Trick the Undead this Halloween

It’s damp, cold, the last warm breath of summer whisked away with a pile of leaves. You grab your now musty jacket and sit on the porch glider, swinging and shivering, telling yourself fall is better than summer because of the beautiful leaves.

You shift your eyes away from your half-dead tree in the front yard and notice a pack of people walking down the street. At first, you think they’re children walking to the nearby middle school. But as they get closer, you notice something much more horrific than pre-pubescent teens.

This can’t be happening. You rub your eyes, and look again. The people are not children, but undead creatures—zombies, wraiths, and skeletons—floating and limping towards you. You can’t believe your eyes! Their bony fingers on outstretched arms are holding small colorful packages—oranges, browns, reds, blues, yellows—the only things bringing color to their lifeless bodies. You squint and reveal one of your darkest evils, a caloric evil you have successfully avoided all year:

Peanut butter cups!

Chocolate bars!

Candy!

The undead are on your front yard now, tempting you to binge on their treats, wanting you to inhale as many calories as possible until you feel depressed and miserable, until you feel as if you’ve gained five pounds in one day. You stand up from the porch swing, checking your hips and love handles. Determined, you shout, “NOT THIS YEAR!”

Don’t let Halloween and the annual return of the undead transform your hard-earned 4-pack stomach into love handles by the end of Christmas. Don’t put yourself through another haunting New Year’s resolution filled with promises of weight loss. Instead, use the following tricks to fight back and free yourself from the impending holiday doom.

Trick #1: Learn control

Like a famous soothsayer once said, “Control, you must learn control!” Whether you’re invading your kids’ trick-or-treat bag or eating everyone’s chocolate donations at work (because they would rather you get fat than them), the key is control. Only mental prowess and will power can save you. Only then can you conquer the undead.

Trick #2: Limit yourself

Don’t let Halloween turn into World War Z. It’s okay to treat yourself, but try to limit your candy consumption to a max of three pieces. A mini peanut butter cup is about 50 calories. A fun size chocolate bar is around 75 calories. Keeping yourself under 200 calories for a treat is okay, and it will help satisfy your cravings. If you find yourself chowing down on a sack of sweet tarts and fun-size chocolates like it’s a bag of microwave popcorn, then the candy zombies have won.

Trick #3: Balance things out

It’s all about balance when maintaining weight. You probably hate hearing that—hell, as a dietitian I hate saying it—but unfortunately it’s the truth. If you eat candy, balance it out with exercise or cut back on a snack or beer later in the day. It’s easy to burn off 200 calories—just hop on the nearest elliptical machine for a quick 15-20 minute stride, or take a walk or two around the block and admire the dead (colorful and beautiful) leaves. Or if you don’t want to exercise, and would rather be a sedentary snail, opt out of a second helping at dinner or pass on the late night soda, chips, pumpkin ale, or goblet of wine.

You have a long haul ahead of you this holiday season. It’s important to get off to a good start. There’s a big fat turkey with cheesy potatoes and pumpkin pie waiting in the wings, only to be followed by calorie-laden holiday parties filled with grandma’s Christmas cookies and ginormous feasts large enough to feed the city of Whoville instead of a family of four. Without a little discipline, it’s easy to gain 5-10 pounds in two months. Over your lifespan that adds up—and if you’re not careful—you’ll be 70-years-old and 300 pounds, and the undead crawling up your front yard won’t be holding candy, they’ll be holding heart and diabetes medication.


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